| AAHHHH!!!! |
[Wednesday,
December 9th, 2009 @ 5:46pm] |
Oh man oh man oh maaaan~!
So, I'm meeting with Tom Kunz on January 15 in Boston to discuss the project I might be working on. (eeee!!!) He emailed me on Monday and told me to apply to the graduate school. So, the deadline is December 15.. WHAT. I already have my recommendations (T. Hubbs <3), I sent my GRE scores and official transcript and filled out the app.. just gotta write my personal statement. $70 application fee that I cannot afford.. luckily my brother is paying for it for me until I can pay him back. <333x1000. I was talking to a grad student here at URI and she said she got into BU and she had the same GRE scores as me!!! Which is super relieving because that's the only thing I am worried about. My GPA is a 3.75, I have tons of experience and all my profs love me. So I feel really good about this. I feel like I can get in.
This would be.. my dream.. coming true.
P.S.:
best picture ever... :)
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| emotions, please stop changing |
[Sunday,
December 6th, 2009 @ 1:02pm] |
Things are an insane fucking roller coaster in my life right now and I'm not quite sure how to deal with it. Things get horrible, then they become awesome, then they get kind of horrible again. The things that were good are still good.. just new bad things keep coming up. It was Pyrom's 21st birthday and the one thing she loves to do is go bowling.. and I didn't realize until I tried to put my fingers in a bowling ball that I am probably incapable of doing that in my condition. I gritted my teeth and bowled in horrendous pain for 2 hours... I know, stupid me, I actually won a game though which is kind of funny...
( This is really depressing.. )
They'd hooked you up to a fentanyl drip
To mitigate the pain a little bit
I flew in from Pennsylvania
When I heard the hour was coming fast
And I docked in San Barbara
Tried to brace myself
But you can't brace yourself when the time comes
You just have to roll with the blast
And I'm an eighteen-wheeler headed down the interstate
And my breaks are going to give
And I won't know until it's too late
Tires screaming when I lose control
Try not to hurt too many people when I roll
Find the harbor freeway and head south
Real tired, head kind of light
I found Telegraph Road
I'd only seen the name on envelopes
Found the parking lot, and turned right
I felt all the details carving out space in my head
Tropicanas on the walkway, neon red
Between the pain and the pills trying to hold it at bay
Stands a traveler going somewhere far away
And I am an airplane tumbling wing over wing
Try to listen to my instruments,
They don't say anything
People screaming when the engines quit
I hope we're all in crash position when we hit
And then came to your bedside
And as it turns out, I'm not ready
And as though you were speaking through a thick haze
You said hello to me
We all stood there around you
Happy to hear you speak
The last of something bright burning, still burning
Beyond the cancer and the chemotherapy
And you were a presence full of light upon this earth
And I am a witness to your life and to its worth
It's three days later when I get the call
And there's nobody around to break my fall
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| woah, it gets better |
[Wednesday,
December 2nd, 2009 @ 10:38pm] |
SERIOUSLY? !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I need to buy myself some nice professional clothes, cuz...
I am meeting with the BAT EXPERT OF THE UNITED STATES... at Boston University... in January... to discuss a possible M.S. thesis.... HOLYSHITTT
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[Wednesday,
December 2nd, 2009 @ 1:22am] |
I literally think deciding to see the Mountain Goats was the best idea ever. Upon seeing J.D. and dancing and singing along to his amazing songs, I have found out my computer will be completely OK, and I finished all major projects. :) and I went to physical therapy again and they covered my hands in wax and I peeled it like a glove. I have also been in sucha good mood.
I also saw Fantastic Mr. Fox and it was sooo gooood. latin names of animals = <3. Didelphis virginiana for the opossum, btw.
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[Tuesday,
December 1st, 2009 @ 12:06am] |
Out behind the safeway, just before the flood
Huffed some cans of spray paint
And begin to vomit blood.
One more night in this town
Is gonna break me, I just know.
Hang on to your dreams 'til someone makes you let them go.
Stumbled on down Indian Hill,
Tail between my legs.
Sick taste in my mouth
Folger's crystals and hard boiled eggs.
If I can't run away tonight
I don't know what I'll do.
Hang on to your dreams 'til someone beats them out of you.
Do what you have to do.
Go where you have to go.
When the time comes to loosen up your grip, you'll know.
Called my friend in New York
Three thousand miles away.
Halfway through her metamorphosis, nothing I could say.
Poured my small resentments like rare and priceless gems.
Hang on to your dreams until there's nothing left of them.
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| LOVE |
[Monday,
November 30th, 2009 @ 2:13am] |
It's amazing how much music can improve your life.
John Darnielle, you're fucking amazing.
The set was awesome.. he played Old College Try (a song I have recently been obsessed with), Blueberry Frost (what!?), This Year, Dance Music, Cotton, Psalms 40:2, Going to Bristol, Mole, From TG&Y (!!!!), a buncha new ones off his new album INCLUDING Isaiah 45:23 which was awesome because before he played it he said it was for anyone with a chronic illness.. and I kind of already guessed it because the lyrics basically explain my situation perfectly ('cause I won't get better/but someday I'll be free/because I am not this body/that imprisons me). It was just really awesome to know JD totally just.. gets me? haha or understands at least.
AND THE BEST PART... HE PLAYED NO CHILDREN!!!! And the crowd sang along and it was FUCKING AMAZING~! Instead of singing "I hope we both die" in the chorus, he sang, "I hope we all die!" hahaha it ruled.
and I loved his stage banter and his crazy facial expressions and dancing and just.. everything was amazing.
I LOVE THE MOUNTAIN GOATS. Ugh. I am just, so, so, so giddy right now.
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[Sunday,
November 29th, 2009 @ 12:32pm] |
Blah, so I still do not have my computer. It is being fixed though.
My Thanksgiving was nice.
I am almost done with this horrible wetlands project. I went on GIS and measured the area of all my polygons. I wrote most of the paper. I finished all my data sheets. I now just need to do my finalized polygons on acetate and the aerial photos, make the enlarged annotated map, and write up the hydrology and surficial geology sections of my written report.
I came back from CT Friday night and worked all day/night Saturday and I am still working on it today until 4 - which is when I'm leaving for Boston to see THE MOUNTAIN GOATS play!!! Which should cheer me up thoroughly and make allll my bad luck go away because John Darnielle is the most amazing songwriter and performer and his lyrics are amazing and make every bad thing in my life go away... (sorta) I LOVE TMG.
SLEEP DEPRIVATION ENSUES, AND I AM EXCITED FOR IT.
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| Crises adverted. |
[Wednesday,
November 25th, 2009 @ 9:25am] |
Oh man. I've been on such an emotional roller-coaster these past two days.
So the people at the URI computer place told me that my computer's hard drive was dead and there was nothing to do to save it. Naturally, I started bawling my eyes out. Losing all my bat data was what really upset me. My entire project gone in a flash.
Then I went to physical therapy and I just got really sad... he was testing my strength so that he would have something to compare to when looking for improvements. Well, first I had to squeeze things with my fist. Then I had to pinch things with each of my fingers. From my ring finger onward, I could not even set the meter off with any reading. That's how weak my hands are right now. I felt so embarrassed. However, he gave me some good exercises to keep my range of motion in check and then said once my swelling gets under control, he will be able to work with me on getting my strength back.
So once I found out my computer was dead I was really sad and I just felt like going home. So I did. I skipped all my classes today to be home, a pro being my Dad took my computer into his friend at work. His friend got my computer to recognize the hard drive and and he has programs at home that will probably be able to get everything off my hard drive.. I was so relieved, am so relieved. That mental breakdown was not fun.
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[Monday,
November 23rd, 2009 @ 1:33pm] |
Mental breakdown. Seriously, I am drained.
My computer up and died last night, SOMEHOW (I think it was a virus though), I was in the middle of a virus scan and it just imploded and makes weird noises. I guess something's wrong with the partition? I know nothing about computers. Nor do I want to. The only way I can fix it is clear my harddrive of everything, which, I am NOT prepared to do because of two major things: 1) I have a 5-page single spaced paper I completed all of besides the conclusion on that thing that is due NEXT WEEK, and 2) ALL OF MY DATA FOR MY BAT PROJECT IS ON THERE.
Not to mention other things like all my music, all my pictures, etc. etc.
I can't even get it into safe mode, so I am paying these highly unprofessional student workers at the computer place on campus $35 to back everything up onto my external hard drive. Then, if that works, I'll hopefully be able to clear my computer up and virus scan the shit out of everything and put everything back on. I'm banking on this, because otherwise I am screwed.
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| who knows. |
[Friday,
November 20th, 2009 @ 5:25pm] |
Stupid mental breakdowns that happen after I use all of my self-control not to cry from taking a five page test full of essay questions. I guess I am going to have to swallow my pride and get a note to dissability services and ask for extensions on tests or something. I just can't physically write that fast and that much without losing all dexterity in my hands for at least an hour afterwards. I hate this.
The doctor I went to see at URI is really nice to me, though, and cheers me up. And he referred me to a physical therapist who I am seeing on Monday and maybe he will be able to help me deal with the pain/weakness. Regardless, I am sick of sitting in doctors offices and waiting rooms and getting blood drawn. My WBC count is low.
I rode my bike all around the neighborhood as fast as I could on the highest gear possible until I felt like my knees were jelly and I couldn't breathe.
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| skip it |
[Monday,
November 16th, 2009 @ 4:38pm] |
I keep crossing things off my list, but then have to add one more thing.
I did laundry on Thursday but still managed to wear the same clothes up until this morning, just because nowadays I spend absolutely no time on my physical appearance. It's actually pretty bad; I don't wear deodorant, don't shave, don't shower often, don't really change my clothes (underwear being the exception), don't really extend much effort at all really. I feel like I should be attending social gatherings and trying to meet people but I feel nothing at all. I don't feel any attraction to anyone and maybe this is TMI but I can't even get myself off at all anymore. It kind of sucks.
Needless to say I forced myself to go to Chad's bum wine party which was kind of funny but once they brought out the cheese and lox after drinking cheap wine with flavors of "banana red" and "electric melon," I knew it was time to leave or witness projectile vomit.
When Mat, Renee and I went to get sushi I went to pour myself a cup of hot tea and struggled lifting the pot with one hand because of my wrists. It took me about 10 minutes. I looked up and Mat and Renee had those empathetic "oh man, that sucks" looks on their faces and I wanted to hide. I hate those looks now. I hate when people see me so weak. I just want to pretend it isn't happening. I know it seems like I talk about it a lot in here, but I almost never mention it to anyone in person. I don't talk about anything.
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[Friday,
November 13th, 2009 @ 11:56am] |
So I had a phone interview with a possible graduate advisor and he told me that if I want to get anywhere I'm going to need a better GRE score.
I got a 1020, and the cut off is 1150.
I am 130 points off.
I hate never being good enough.
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[Monday,
November 9th, 2009 @ 5:44pm] |
So I've been having fainting spells, and also a weird "brain fog" where I just zone out at random times and have no idea what I was doing or where I am. I researched it and I guess it happens a lot with people with lupus. Apparently Adderall helps...
Too much to worry about.
I like that Tom Husband comments me on facebook.
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[Wednesday,
November 4th, 2009 @ 12:21pm] |
I only have 4 weeks to finish this damned wetland ecology field project and I haven't even started delineating wetland polygons on acetate yet. UGH. The worst part is that I fail miserably at seeing in stereo so I can't see the topography of the landscape through the aerial photographs so it's hard to know when one water regime changes to the next. I also have to hike through the cedar swamp and figure out the other plant species before they all die, but the other kids that have my same site have weird schedules. I don't want to go alone for fear of falling into the depths of the peat and not being rescued. Maybe I can convince Raymie to come with me.
I also need to think of an idea for my GIS project. What's a cool thing to map on Block Island? I am out of ideas.
I also need to start researching/writing my invasives term paper.
I also need to finish my invasives video podcast (wtf).
AND.. I NEED SLEEP.
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| Extinctathon. |
[Wednesday,
November 4th, 2009 @ 7:48am] |
OMG.
Oryx and Crake is one of the most amazing books I've ever read, I don't know why I've never read it. The ending was intense. From the hints in the book, I knew the gist of what would happen, but it didn't make it any less shocking. Recommended for EVERYONE to read, especially if you're a fan of science or a fan of this society ending.
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[Sunday,
November 1st, 2009 @ 11:19pm] |
When I got up to the top, my head got light
For a minute everything in the world was alright
I saw the next tree just 10 feet away
Give or take a few feet I guess
Then I pushed off into the air with all my might
Headed out into the center of the morning light
I knew that I was gonna make it
The new tree hardly shook to acknowledge my arrival
I knew that I would be alright
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[Sunday,
November 1st, 2009 @ 12:57pm] |
The rest of the weekend ruled. Pyrom and Shan came up and partied with me, and costumes were made, and everything was just awesome. Couldn't ask for a better birthday/halloween weekend. :)
The best part of Halloween was this:
The Professor Brothers with Stallone Cuts. Watch this if you don't get it, cuz it's awesome.
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| my biiirthday |
[Friday,
October 30th, 2009 @ 11:28am] |
Ahh, so my 21st birthday was this Wednesday.
I had to get up at 5am to get to school by 6am for the wetland ecology field trip. We were going to a salt marsh, Plum Island (in Newburyport, MA) to bird watch, and then to Walden Pond in Concord to walk around the pond and read excerpts from Thoreau. Sounds fucking amazing, and it would have been if it wasn't the wettest, coldest day ever, haha. The cold moisture really fucked with my joints, and I couldn't move anything without feeling intense pain, but I went on all the hikes and everything because I am a trooper and I fucking love Thoreau. Then we went to a restaurant to eat, and my professor bought me my first legal drink! :D it was suhweet.
I got home and Mat and I smoked a bowl and ate apple crisp that Renee made for me! Then I fell asleep for like 10 hours. Wished I skipped my classes on Thursday, but eh, there was some good class discussion in Invasives Policy & Management. Then Mat, Mark, Eric, Raymie, Chris, Pete, and Jason all took me to The Mews Tavern to celebrate and buy me drinks. :) They have 69 beers on tap which was awesome, and I found that I really love Hoegaarden; I've never tried it before but Mark made me try his and I loved it. I had a bunch of pumpkin ales, and some hard cider. I got sufficiently wasted, then got high at Mat's house and played several hours of Rock Band and Super Smash Bros. All in all it was a great night and I love my friends.
Today Pyrom is visiting me! And I think I am going to the liquor store and I'm gonna buy stuff to make fogcutters. And we're gonna have a mini-party at my house of lovely mixed drinks. Then tomorrow I have a costume party at Tim's house where I will once again rock my Ma-Ti costume since no one in RI saw it last year.
Also: I got battery-powered gloves!!!!! thnx mom :D
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| woooaahh Lovecraft |
[Monday,
October 26th, 2009 @ 9:27pm] |
I am sitting here, eating fresh cod I baked (the fish market down the street from my house has amazing prices I've found), listening to The Arcade Fire, fixing my resume and writing a cover letter for Indiana. Even though I'm diseased and tired and feel kinda empty, I also feel pretty happy. It's a weird dichotomy but I am not complaining.
So.. Mat, Chad, Mark, Renee, Lauren, Eric, a few others and I are planning an awesomely nerdy weekend at Mat's house in Cape Cod. We are going to spend an entire weekend at his Cape house playing Call of Cthulhu. And what's awesome is the story will be about a famous 1920s singer who has died and all of the characters are invited to his mansion to sort out the affairs. We are even going to dress up like it's the 1920s and sip wine both nights, hahaha. Everyone who has expressed interest is so into it, and we all have been making up awesome characters and backstories and it's going to be epic.
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| movies, meds, and master's |
[Sunday,
October 25th, 2009 @ 11:41pm] |
Where The Wild Things Are was really good. I laughed a lot, and it was really melancholy and reminded me way too much of my own childhood.
I saw the arthritis doctor and I guess if these medications don't start improving my hands within a month I have to start on more meds -- more pills and injections into the thigh. Yay. :/ The next-step pills, methotrexate, puts tons of strain on the liver meaning I would literally only be able to handle one drink before I would vomit all over the place (and I'm only turning 21 on Wednesday!) therefore he said prolly shouldn't drink at all if I go on it. Already this other medication makes me an insane lightweight; I am drunk off of one mixed drink or two beers or a glass of wine. Which makes things cheaper at least.
I forgot to eat lunch the other day before the four-hour wetlands lab and I pretty much almost fainted in the middle of a pond. Luckily, I was able to sit on a mound and regain full vision and eat an apple someone gave me. It was embarassing. Mat bought me dinner after the lab and I knd of felt better.
It is looking extremely possible that by this time next year I will be studying bats at Indiana State University. *crosses fingers* living further westward would be cool, I feel I have exhausted most of my potential in new england.
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